Blogs by cribbooky

It has been said that death and taxes are certain. I have been known to buck convention on occasion, but when it comes to absolutes, one learns to eventually surrender to them. Take for example my childhood bicycle ramp experiments to oppose the law of gravity. Those ended miserably for me and my bicycle (although my pals agree that gravity flinched once or twice). Likewise, since NASA has not returned my calls, I must remain effectively stuck to the surface of our big rock.

Being that I cannot escape death, taxes or gravity, it means that I am stuck on Earth paying taxes until I am dead. Since this cannot be avoided, I will be a good sport and adopt an "if you can't beat it, join it" strategy. Hmmm, now which one should I join? Death pretty much has everyone covered so there's no room for market share there. Sure, I could go about killing a few select individuals, and I have indulged in homicidal fantasy on frequent occasion concerning these select individuals, but this would not increase the amount of death. It just advances the schedule a bit.

Boosting the amount of gravity would require more mass. I have managed to redistribute gravity somewhat in that my mass has indeed increased over the years. However, I have not truly created mass from nothingness and have no idea how to do this. All of the space-time warping tricks that come to mind involve new mass so the net gravity amount is unchanged. Simulating extra G forces with accelerating devices (think roller coasters and jets) is an option, but that is cheating. It's not really gravity. It only feels the same like love and chocolate. Gravity defies the Law of Conservation of Energy with its free and everlasting acceleration, where as simulated gravity does not. Besides, if I did figure out how to create more gravity, what would I do with it? Some genius would definitely work out how defeat it with a rotating superconductor making it all just a big waste of time so gravity creation is off the menu.

Therefore, I shall have to go with taxes. The US government is by the people, for the people and of the people, and I just happen to be a people and a native born US citizen. Therefore, I am US government. The 16th Amendment gave US government the right to levy taxes so being that I am US government, I am empowered to levy taxes. Do not get concerned. I do not plan to hose this up as is popular with taxers. Yeah, I'm bucking convention again. The cribbooky Tax will not include the usual tax downers except the fun part where you are separated from your money in a very small way.

Let's start with the cribbooky tax code. Instead of having incomprehensible volumes of legal gibberish, it will condense to this: "All American citizens of legal voting age on the first day of a given tax year, must pay one US dollar before the end of that tax year, where each tax year starts with the day January 1 and ends with day December 31 of the same calendar year." It's a bit long for a fortune cookie, but still concise. It is simple enough that a second grader can interpret it, and the exemption concerning legal voting age is sure to be popular with them (except the ones who have been held back enough years). There's no room here to hide a clause that enforces organ donation as payment for serious tax default. I have always suspected such a clause is in the US tax code somewhere.

Another popular aspect is that the cribbooky Tax will remain constant. You won't have to familiarize yourself with new tax laws annually to avoid fines or becoming a prison bride. The amount will not change as a result of tax payment chart revisions, legislative ambushes, morphing exemptions, or family dynamics that effect deductibles such as births, divorces, custody rulings, marriages, adoptions, deaths, UFO abductions, and various scenarios from the Jerry Springer Show. It is constant, comprehensible, and best of all, no law muckers, er makers, will be tinkering with it to milk you further in order to please the ever demanding government dependent voters.

The cribbooky tax will not increase the size of US government. It will not justify jobs at the IRS or be used for government pork and social programs that always run over budget. The cribbooky tax actually does provide the same level of benefit to taxpayers as much other tax money that was wasted on the cancelled Super Collider, cancelled A-12 Fighter, TARP, HUD, ACORN for pimps, exhaustive-etc. No ineffective tax funded government accounting staff capable of losing track of trillions of dollars will be hired. In this case, you will actually know where your money is going. Unlike most of the "well intentioned social programs" that seem to have failed their communities, this tax burden is guaranteed to prevent one citizen from becoming another street thug, and it will create a job opening.

As is standard with tax oppressors, you may certainly indulge in horrible thoughts about me while you are toiling to pay this tax. Nothing extremely gruesome since it is just a buck, okay? Depending on your rate of pay, this will involve a time span of 8 minutes, 16.55 seconds or less to indulge in horrible thoughts about me per year. Try not to forget this traditional American past time as you are entitled to it. This could easily be overlooked while you are griping about the other taxes, which require you to work from the beginning of the year through mid April, give or take (take obviously), just to cover the federal income tax. The state income taxers then take their cut before you fork over even more taxes if you happen to actually spend or invest any of your after tax earnings, especially if you buy property. How can the cribbooky Tax compete with that? Relax, it won't even try.

Being the cribbooky Tax amount is so small, there is no plan to implement the usual mafia styled tactics where I will seize your assets, send men with guns, or change your address to prisonville for not paying. The cribbooky Tax does not demand its cut up front, which allows you to get interest on your dollar until your tax obligation is actually due. I realize that this empowers you not to pay if you disagree with the way your tax money is being used, but I am bucking convention again here in the spirit of true democracy.

Now, the bad news. The cribbooky Tax does not exempt you from any of the other taxes. If it did, it would not be creating taxes as in the spirit of "joining them" (remember?). Please do not attempt to retain your hard earned money by only paying the cribbooky Tax and telling the IRS goons that I exempted you. If I could exempt people from taxes, I would start with me. The cribbooky Tax has been created to align with the American spirit of taxation, where fellow American strangers and immigrants enjoy the benefits of your earnings, you gripe a little then relax in the television fog and allow it to happen over and over again. The truth is that American taxpayers only pretend to hate taxes and apparently enjoy making ineffective noises. We are empowered to dismantle the unfair tax system by fixing its root causes, but very few are taking an interest in that so all must be well (until it isn't, then what?). American taxpayers really have no position to gripe if they are not doing their part to change it. So fix it, or shut up and pay your taxes.

Be nice.